Today is not a good day. I don't know why, but I am feeling really depressed today. Part of it probably has to do with finding out last night that another one of my friends is pregnant. She is due in May which was when I really wanted to have a child. I just feel so empty. I've called my insurance company to find out about infertility testing. So as soon as January rolls around we will head in to start that. But the next 2 months will just take forever. I am so angry at myself for not starting to try sooner. I try and tell myself that I can't go back and change that, but it still creeps into my mind.
I'm planning my 10 year reunion and I really wanted to have a kid by then. I feel that I am so far behind where I wanted to be by this age. I feel that I am falling behind all my friends. I don't talk to the ones with kids as much b/c it is just so hard to hear about how wonderful their family is. It is so selfish of me, but I just can't do it. I really wish I had a good friend who was in this situation that I could talk to. I feel alone, surrounded by all these fertile women.
How long do I wait? Will I have a child by the time I am 30? That seems so old to me. I really do not enjoy my life right now. All of our friends have kids so we don't get together with them anymore. Our life has become so boring. I'm just so sick of waiting and hoping and getting disappointed month after month. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.