Still just me

Yesterday was a incredibly difficult day. I really thought it was the month. All hopes of that were crushed yesterday afternoon. This is our 9th month trying to conceive. I broke down bawling at work (luckily I was the only one around). The only thing that saved me from a complete meltdown was choir practice. It was a real light at the end of a dark day.

I just don't understand how it can be so hard for some and so easy for others. I can't quit asking myself why we didn't start trying earlier in our lives. Why we waited so long and if we would have tried sooner if we could have conceived. I'm just kicking myself for it.

I feel very left behind by all my friends who have kids. We don't talk as much and I feel left out. They all will have kids around the same age and who knows about mine. Pretty soon more will have their second and it will add even more distance.

I'm really having mixed feelings toward God. I am frustrated b/c I know he could make this all go away, but at the same time I know that it is not his way to just take away the pain. He is alongside me carrying me through this. I know I would feel much worse if I didn't have faith in Him. I just keep asking why me and how much longer will I have to wait. So far I haven't gotten an answer to either question.