Still just me

Yesterday was a incredibly difficult day. I really thought it was the month. All hopes of that were crushed yesterday afternoon. This is our 9th month trying to conceive. I broke down bawling at work (luckily I was the only one around). The only thing that saved me from a complete meltdown was choir practice. It was a real light at the end of a dark day.

I just don't understand how it can be so hard for some and so easy for others. I can't quit asking myself why we didn't start trying earlier in our lives. Why we waited so long and if we would have tried sooner if we could have conceived. I'm just kicking myself for it.

I feel very left behind by all my friends who have kids. We don't talk as much and I feel left out. They all will have kids around the same age and who knows about mine. Pretty soon more will have their second and it will add even more distance.

I'm really having mixed feelings toward God. I am frustrated b/c I know he could make this all go away, but at the same time I know that it is not his way to just take away the pain. He is alongside me carrying me through this. I know I would feel much worse if I didn't have faith in Him. I just keep asking why me and how much longer will I have to wait. So far I haven't gotten an answer to either question.

It's Back

I was just sure this was the month. I thought my body was definitely feeling different and I was just so sure. But this morning the little whispys announced the impending arrival of my period. I'm still holding out hope that it is just implantation bleeding, but I know that it is very unlikely. I just feel so let down. It's really hard to put it into words. I know that there is a plan for my life, but I just don't understand this. I know I am supposed to trust God's plan for this, but it is just so difficult right now. It's hard for me to see past the immediate to know that this is all going to work out.

That's enough for now- I don't feel like wallowing in my sorrow. Have a test tonight to focus on.

Something is different....

Something is definitely different! I am either pregnant or getting sick (can you guess which one I am hoping for??) I just feel different. Boobs have been sore lately, a different type of sore than just pre-period. And my lower abdomen region just feels different today. Kind of bloated- like something is expanding and it is tight quarters. I am still 6 days away from when my period is supposed to start, so I just don't think that it is the normal fun stuff that comes along with this time of month. I suppose the other option is that I am getting sick, which is also possible since I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm going to try to get to sleep early tonight to see if a good night's sleep makes any difference.

I keep telling myself to just chill and try to pay no attention to how I feel. But I can't help but think about it. I'm such a planner that I want to get it all planned out it I am! I know I shouldn't get my hopes too high because that makes for a big disappointment if I'm not, but what would we be without hope? Perhaps I will have an early June baby!

When I was coming back from class on Tuesday I was listening to the Christian radio station and there was a woman who called in who had been told that she could not have kids b/c of endometriosis. There were so many follow up calls with women who were told that they could not conceive but never gave up hope or prayer and miraculously were able to have a child. Never give up hope and faith. The tunnel may be dark and long, but hope, faith, and prayer will get you through! It might be hard for some to comprehend, but I can't imagine my life without it. It is the only way I could make it through this difficult time.

The Waiting Zone

It's that great couple of weeks when I have no idea if I am pregnant or not. Of course I am constantly thinking that I "feel" something. Keep thinking my boobs are sore or that I am peeing more often. Totally ludicrous stuff like that! I tell myself not to think about it, but that is easier said than done!

My mom just called yesterday and told me that my cousin's wife is pregnant. She is due in April and he is supposed to ship out to Iraq in February. My mom is getting a little depressed too! She wants to be a grandma! All of her siblings will now have grandkids, even her sister who is 5 years younger than her. I keep telling her that we're trying so it's not my fault!

Have another baby shower to go to on Saturday. Yea- can't wait. SOOOO tired of baby showers. They were cute at first, but when you can't get pregnant it's just not a fun place to be!

So in small group on Sunday I re-stumbled across this verse: Philippians 4:6-7, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Going to need to memorize this one! How amazing to not have to worry about any of this and have a peace that transcends all understanding! I'm not quite there yet... guess I haven't totally given up control of this thing!

One week until I should know if this is the month or not!

My first blog

Well I've decided to start a blog. My attempts at updating my life on my web pages weren't going so well so I decided to try this instead. Plus this will be better because it is a little more anonymous than posting on my web site and I figure this will be a place where I can vent some of my frustrations.

We've been trying to conceive for the past 8 months and I am becoming increasingly depressed. It seems like everyone around me is able to conceive with no problems. There are babies and pregnant women everywhere around me. My co-worker just came off the pill and wasn't hoping to get pregnant for 3 months, but of course got prego right away. Now she is experiencing morning sickness and I get to hear about how terrible it is daily. What I wouldn't give to be in her shoes (puking and all). As I go through this time in my life I keep asking myself why. I am a believer so I feel like there must be something that God wants me to learn out of this experience. Maybe patience, maybe trust in his plan, maybe an ability to help others in this situation? I don't know what yet.

I can't imagine going through this without faith in Him. Because I believe I know in the course of time it will all be ok, as my life is in His hands and it is his will not mine. Without that knowledge it would be so easy to spiral into depression. Even now I experience depression every month at the start of my period, but it's certainly not as bad as it could be if I didn't know my life was in His hands.

I guess this will have to be enough for today. Got to get back to studying for my test (fun fun).