I am a serious wreck. Both days this week I have found myself crying uncontrollably at work. And I'm not even on my period! I can't seem to pull myself together. You'd think I'd be excited b/c in a month I should (hopefully) be able to go to the doctor and start testing. At this point I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to make it through this month!
I think I am upset at the thought of testing. Will it hurt? What will it say? Will we ever be able to conceieve? Plus my co-worker just told everyone else in the office that she is pregnant. So now I get to hear all about her pregnancy every day at work and be reminded that we can't get prego.
I don't even know how to pray anymore. Should I pray to conceieve? Should I pray for strength? For Patience? I was praying everyday, but I haven't been doing so well lately. I think I am just disappointed by lack of results and feel like He hasn't answered me so what's the point. Such a terrible thing to think.

I just want to break down crying today. I've been dealing with the insurance company this morning. Before I start infertility treatments I have to have pre-authorization. What a mess! They just have to have proof that we have been trying for a year, but I have to get that from the doctor. I don't know if I have to go in or if what I told the dr when I was in for my annual is enough. And of course I was talking to some flunky on the phone instead of the person who will actually approve it. I really wish I would have told the dr last time I was in that we had been trying for a lot longer- then I could start treatment now like I was really hoping to. Now, if they do approve me I won't be able to make an appointment until January.
I am just so incredibly sad. I really don't want to have to go through fertility treatments. I just want to conceive naturally, but I simply know that won't happen. I really have little to no hope that it will happen this month. Part of me doesn't even want to try so I won't be let down again.
When my period started on Tuesday, it was really rough on me. I don't have any hope left in me. I'm totally drained. I just want to find out what is wrong with us. It hurts so much each time my period starts and reminds me how alone I am. No one understands, not even Benji. He seems like he could care less. He gets upset b/c I am sad, but not upset b/c we can't conceive. And that just makes me incredibly mad at him. I am so alone- I can't talk to Benji and I don't have any friends to talk to either. Everyone else can easily conceive or think that trying for a year really isn't that big of a deal.
It just hurts so much.

Today is not a good day. I don't know why, but I am feeling really depressed today. Part of it probably has to do with finding out last night that another one of my friends is pregnant. She is due in May which was when I really wanted to have a child. I just feel so empty. I've called my insurance company to find out about infertility testing. So as soon as January rolls around we will head in to start that. But the next 2 months will just take forever. I am so angry at myself for not starting to try sooner. I try and tell myself that I can't go back and change that, but it still creeps into my mind.
I'm planning my 10 year reunion and I really wanted to have a kid by then. I feel that I am so far behind where I wanted to be by this age. I feel that I am falling behind all my friends. I don't talk to the ones with kids as much b/c it is just so hard to hear about how wonderful their family is. It is so selfish of me, but I just can't do it. I really wish I had a good friend who was in this situation that I could talk to. I feel alone, surrounded by all these fertile women.
How long do I wait? Will I have a child by the time I am 30? That seems so old to me. I really do not enjoy my life right now. All of our friends have kids so we don't get together with them anymore. Our life has become so boring. I'm just so sick of waiting and hoping and getting disappointed month after month. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.