It is over
Last Sunday(4/2)and Monday(4/3)I had some crazy spurts of blood and I began to get a little worried. I was scheduled to go into the doctor on Thursday, but I called and the nurse was able to get me in on Tuesday morning (4/4). I went in and she wasn't able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, but she told me that it could just be too early so we made an appt for me to go back in the afternoon for an ultrasound. At that point I still thought there might be hope. I had decided that it would be ok b/c God was the one who gave me this child and He would protect it. Luckily Benji came into the u/s appt with me b/c it was not good news. I could see that there was no hb before the nurse even told me. She confirmed that she didn't see a hb and that I was measuring 9w1d (should have been 10w0d according to last u/s, 10w6d according to LMP).
So on Friday (4/7) I had a D&C. The D&C was actually not bad at all. The worst part was the needle for anesthesia. I had only a little cramping and bleeding right after the procedure and then nothing at all. I'm very glad we opted for the D&C opposed to letting it happen naturally. Looking back, I might have caught this earlier. It had been about a week since I had and pg symptoms. I just assumed it was b/c I was close to the end of the first trimester. Next time I will listen to my body more.
I'm doing ok. I have good days and bad days. I found out at Easter that Benji's cousin is due a day after my due date so that was really hard to hear. It would have been fun to be pg at the same time. I'm sad to have lost the baby, but if it would have had problems then I do realize it is for the better. It just really sucks to have to deal with infertility and miscarriage. I keep wondering why me. The thing that makes me the most sad is the thought of going back to infertility. That was such a bad time for me and I am terrified that it will take a long time again. I'm afraid of what will happen if I'm not pg by my due date. I'm simply not strong enough to handle that.
The past 2 weeks have been really hard. My boss was gone so I had to be at work even though I was a total wreck. I would randomly start crying while I was working. Plus my coworker is very close to her due date so she keeps complaining about being worried about delivery, etc. Not a great time for me to hear how terrible it is to be pg. She is very selfish and that is hard b/c she is not very empathetic.
It all just really sucks. I am trying to stay positive, and not think of all the future what ifs, but it's hard. I wish I could just tell myself that we are going to stop trying and not have to worry about it anymore, but that's simply not possible for me. My heart breaks every time I think about my period starting. I feel like I just wasted 3 months on a pg that didn't work. That was 2 other chances to have a baby that are lost. They say that your fertility increases in the 6 months following a m/c, but my batting average for stats isn't very high, so I'm not holding my breath that it will happen right away for us.
It's so hard to understand why this is happening. I just don't get it. I just want to know how much more of this pain I will have to endure. My heart just can't take it.
So on Friday (4/7) I had a D&C. The D&C was actually not bad at all. The worst part was the needle for anesthesia. I had only a little cramping and bleeding right after the procedure and then nothing at all. I'm very glad we opted for the D&C opposed to letting it happen naturally. Looking back, I might have caught this earlier. It had been about a week since I had and pg symptoms. I just assumed it was b/c I was close to the end of the first trimester. Next time I will listen to my body more.
I'm doing ok. I have good days and bad days. I found out at Easter that Benji's cousin is due a day after my due date so that was really hard to hear. It would have been fun to be pg at the same time. I'm sad to have lost the baby, but if it would have had problems then I do realize it is for the better. It just really sucks to have to deal with infertility and miscarriage. I keep wondering why me. The thing that makes me the most sad is the thought of going back to infertility. That was such a bad time for me and I am terrified that it will take a long time again. I'm afraid of what will happen if I'm not pg by my due date. I'm simply not strong enough to handle that.
The past 2 weeks have been really hard. My boss was gone so I had to be at work even though I was a total wreck. I would randomly start crying while I was working. Plus my coworker is very close to her due date so she keeps complaining about being worried about delivery, etc. Not a great time for me to hear how terrible it is to be pg. She is very selfish and that is hard b/c she is not very empathetic.
It all just really sucks. I am trying to stay positive, and not think of all the future what ifs, but it's hard. I wish I could just tell myself that we are going to stop trying and not have to worry about it anymore, but that's simply not possible for me. My heart breaks every time I think about my period starting. I feel like I just wasted 3 months on a pg that didn't work. That was 2 other chances to have a baby that are lost. They say that your fertility increases in the 6 months following a m/c, but my batting average for stats isn't very high, so I'm not holding my breath that it will happen right away for us.
It's so hard to understand why this is happening. I just don't get it. I just want to know how much more of this pain I will have to endure. My heart just can't take it.
posted by The Deals | 12:17 PM
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